I struggle to fit in, and I'm starting to strongly dislike where I live.
On one hand, for the longest time I struggled to get to know my neighbors with some difficulty because I wasn't a student, I was married (I know that shouldn't make a difference, but in some cases it feels like it does), and I am not from the Middle East (a number of my neighbors still keep to their cultural customs which is nice, but if you aren't from the culture, I feel like I am unsure if I fit in). And then I had Tycho, who opened up a whole new world for me. I thought things would *magically* change for me in my community, but I still struggle to get to know my community.
On one hand, I can finally meet other neighbors with kids without feeling awkward by stalking them outside on the playground. "Hey...not to be creepy, but I saw you outside, and I just wanted to meet you." I totally did that the first summer I was here. On the other hand, I haven't felt close enough to people to actually invite people over... "Hey so I know we just met randomly outside the other day, do you want to come over?"
Yeah, there are community events I could attend, but let's be honest, I have not kept in contact with one single person that also attended those events. Possibly because they are no longer living here, or possibly because they didn't show up to other events...just like me. (I have a kid now, and the food is gross.)
And then there is the other time I crashed my neighbors' Eid party a few weeks ago because I was so sick and tired of feeling like the outsider. "Hey guys, you see me all the time out here on the playground by myself... why don't you ever invite me to join you? Can we be friends even though we are from different backgrounds?" Turns out the awkward situations on the playground were due to the lack of ability to speak English/Arabic. I'm still working on the Arabic.
I still get to meet people because I watch a few of my neighbors' kids, but it is still hard. I guess I am at that point where I care because I have few other things going on in my life like school.
I am hosting a party which even though the party hasn't even happened, the plans have gone badly. First of all, I should have planned this a couple of weeks out, but because I wanted to get this happening sooner and before snow falls, I decided to do it like a week out. And then, the forecast predicted rain, so thought, "how about the community centre?" That was a no go. And there is another community event which is happening around the same time I wanted to host a party, so I thought, "hey maybe we can combine forces." But alas, I was denied. So many hurdles. So I am hosting a pre-cocktail party party before the community event... sans alcohol of course.
I know I am complaining a lot here, but I just feel like giving up.
Okay, I'll admit it. I'm lonely. I want to get to know my community, but it's been so hard.
