After I had "rested" for half an hour, another nurse by the name of Judy came to see how I was doing and to chat. I instantly felt connected with her because of her name. My grandmother's name is Judy and she is a no-nonsense lady like this nurse, but this nurse was compassionate and understanding unlike the other nurse who wouldn't listen to me. We had a heart-to-heart discussion about why I didn't want to push. I explained that I wasn't ready because I wasn't feeling the same pressure I felt before, that I was scared about how Frederick would be when he came out, that I really didn't want to have Greg look at my bare bottom and vulva in such a manner--I felt so undressed. I was mostly afraid for Frederick.
It was about 10 a.m. at this point, and after this heart-to-heart with this lovely nurse, who agreed to help me with the rest of my delivery, I was able to proceed. I no longer had someone telling me to "PUSH push push!" over and over again. During my resting phase, I had to do a lot of deep breathing pushing, and he was more visible than he was before when the nurse originally told me to start pushing. So, pushing at this point wasn't bad until he started crowning. And then I asked if they could just pull him out of me at that point. They, of course, told me no. Frederick was finally born at 10:26 a.m. after about 12 hours of "active" labor.
Tycho didn't cry as much when he was born; he was rather quite, but Frederick had lusty cries when he finally came out. I cried. I was relieved. I was so happy to hear his cry at that moment. He was okay for me to hold him after a few minutes (the best reward for a 2-degree tear), and they took him to monitor him again. He wasn't as big as I expected; he was 9 lbs 1 oz. I wasn't sure how long he was right away because for whatever reason they didn't measure him. He ended up being 20 inches long, though.
We had three names for this little guy that finally won out: over the long debate: Frederick, Charles, and Gabriel. (The fact that we were able to narrow your name down from a list with a 101 options is a miracle, kid. I still laugh about the option "He who shall not be named"--seemed fitting for the time.) As much as I loved the name Gabriel, it didn't fit. And while I had some reservations about the name Frederick, we ended up with that name. (Sorry, Fred, you and a family dog have the same name. This would have been the same case with Charles, too...If your dad had his way, we would have called you Wolfric which means king of wolves, so I'm not sure which is the best name after all. But Captain Wentworth from the book Persausion is named Frederick, and I like him.)
I got to be with my baby for an hour before he was whisked off to the NICU. If I had to pinpoint which was the hardest part about this experience, it was this moment. Greg followed Frederick, and I was wheeled to my recovery room. The crappy part about the epidural is not walking afterward.
The next couple of days in the hospital were incredibly difficult, and at the moment, I don't think I could write about them.
When Frederick was finally released from the NICU, I felt like I could actually relax with my baby. I had been so worried and stressed about this little guy that when he was finally in my arms without a bunch of monitors, I was relieved and happy. I felt like I could finally connect with this little guy after all these months. He was mine, and I was able to care for him the best way I knew how.
P.S. For your next labor experience, I recommend using birth affirmation cards. I made some--about 25 cards-- and they were of great help to me while I was in labor. I read through them several times. They ranged from scriptures like Deut 31:6, D&C 88:63, & Alma 36:27 to thoughts like "My body is relaxed and calm" to "Relax jaw, soft cervix." Really marvelous thoughts. I wanted to have a positive experience with this birth despite everything that could have happened afterward, so I made positive notes for me to read.
P.S.S. I didn't mind my labor experience this time. It was actually pretty good over all. I was happy about the way things turned out--I was able to go into labor on my own. I was able to do things at my own pace after vocalizing my opinions (pushing), and, of course, Frederick turned out to be well. The only part I feel bad about is when I told Greg that I didn't like a particular friend any more because she has a high pain tolerance and I could not do natural labor (I am super jealous, and I do like this person still).
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