Reflection: Good Parents Teach Hard Things

        As someone who is not a parent, you probably think I do not have the right to discuss something I know so little of.  But as someone who has had five parents (mom, dad, step-dad, ex-step-mom, ex-step-dad) in her life, I think I have some right to discuss good parenting.  I have watched and learned from five different parents in my life; some experiences were good and some were bad.  Now I'm not writing this to necessarily put all of my parents down and to tell them they were bad parents.  From my perspective, I believe that as people gets older, we occasionally say to ourselves, "When I'm a grown-up, I want to do things this way" or "I like the way dad would do this for my sister and me; I want to do that for my kids."  This post is a reflection on something I deem very important, but learned very little about it from my parents: sex.  Yes, I want to discuss the importance of talking with children about sex; I want to talk about the importance of teaching hard things to children. 

     Now, this viewpoint is from a Latter-day Saint; as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I believe that people should wait until they are married to have sex.  I wholeheartedly believe in this because intimacy in marriage is sacred.  As someone who has been married for almost four years, I have learned how beautiful sex is between two people who truly love each other.  Now, at this moment, some may dread the topic because sex is something you don't want your children to know about for whatever reason.  Or others may giggle because they are feeling slightly embarrassed by the topic.  To both of these crowds, get over it.  Grow up.  Sex is not just something we can shove under the rug any more.  Sex is increasingly displayed on television, discussed in songs, etc.  If you want your kids to have a good understanding of sex, then sit down with them.    

    First of all, I would like to share an experience for those who are uncomfortable with the idea that they have to teach their kids about sex.  See, I once was uncomfortable talking about sex, too.  When I was in high school, I was harassed by another student--the content of the unwanted conversations this person had with me were sexually driven.   I'm sure this is more intuitively recognized, but I didn't know or understand well enough to see this person was harassing me at the time.  I was SO naive, thoughtless, and embarrassed!  When this person would made these remarks, I wondered, "Why are they giving me attention?  I'm not pretty, etc., etc. .... I'm not even interested in them.  Why won't they just leave me alone."  And then I would ignore them because I didn't know what else to do, and I was so consumed with my ideas like "I'm not pretty enough" (low self-esteem is a topic for another day).  I didn't say anything about what was going on to anyone, and you know what?   I wish I had because this person would have realized what he was doing is inappropriate.  Now, I'm not making this story up, but I am bringing this up because it is a hard lesson for a parent to learn.  This could have been a more difficult or painful experience than it already was.  (If you are wondering, I didn't get them into trouble, but I do remember asking my teacher to move me away from them.)

        Now, I will tell you why I was uncomfortable discussing sex or anything concerning the subject of sex: my parents didn't talk with me!  When I was about 10 or so, I received a book from my parents called, What's Happening to my Body?: Book for Girls a Growing Up Guide for Parents and Daughters.  On the inside cover, I found a note that said something to the effect of "If you have any questions, ask me."  Of course, this was given to a girl who is not very assertive, and already had a difficult time approaching this parent!!  Now, as a curious child, I read through the entire thing, but again, as a child who was not assertive, I couldn't bring myself to ask questions from particular parents I was uncomfortable around.  And when I did share this book with another parent, they just giggled at the pictures inside!  The other thing my parents did was sign me up for the very uncomfortable sex education class the elementary school has for fifth graders which unfortunately does not help.  I mean, I'm in a room filled with girls that I'm not necessarily close to, and I don't want to ask a stupid question and embarrass myself.  (Again, I wasn't very assertive, and this problem became even worse around people I didn't know.)   Later, in middle school my health class addressed STIs because if teenagers can't be stopped, then warnings should be given to make them stop their dirty acts.  By the end of the discussion, I was convinced I would die from a horrible sexual disease if I ever had sex. Fortunately, later on in my sophomore year of high school, I learned quite a bit more about sex and abstinence (and that I wouldn't die from sex!).  But unfortunately, teachers can really only say so much about sex!! Now, I'm telling you about my education about sex because I honestly feel like the sex education I learned as a child, pre-teen, and teenager was lacking.  
     
     Now, I think it is great that schools have sex education for people like me, but for important topics such as this, the parents should be the ones teaching their children.  First of all, I didn't have conversations with my parents about what was happening to my body or sex.  Whether or not I was comfortable around the parents who originally gave me the book about sex,  I still should have learned about sex from them.  The feelings of the child being comfortable or uncomfortable should not change your mind about whether you should teach your kids about sex.  From my parents, I could have learned the learn proper terminology of body parts from my parents, and I would have been more comfortable with my body.  I could have been more knowledgeable when I started menstruating   I didn't even learn about sex in a good light; this I had to find information on.  Lastly, I didn't learn to say something to an adult when someone would say something sexually inappropriate to me.  

    Before, Greg and I got married, we read the book And They Were Not Ashamed by Laura Brotherson because we learned it was a good resource, and we both wanted to be on the same page when we got married.  We also attended a class at the BYU Health Clinic to be more informed about birth control options, etc.  As an adult, I've tried to remain very open about sex (that is, I'm willing to discuss this topic openly while, of course, keeping many things private).  I have reasons for being so open: I believe that intimacy between a man and a woman who love each other is beautiful and wonderful.  While sex is a sacred between spouses, there should be information that should be understood by their children such as what is sex (purposes, etc.) and why should sex be treated with respect.  I don't want my children to look for explanations of sex in other places.  I've learned to be open and I'm practicing this because I want to be able to say things my parents weren't able to say to me.  Sex isn't something to be embarrassed about or ashamed of.  Sex is sacred because by it you have the opportunity to procreate.  Sex is also a wonderful experience between two people. I want my future kids to feel comfortable when asking me questions, and I want them to be safe from the people around them.  I want to arm them with knowledge so that they might understand.

   Now, my questions for you are when are you going to start teaching your children that there is such thing as inappropriate behavior?  When are you going to say, "Son/daughter, we need to discuss something that is very important"?  I've had the sad experience of being unaware and afraid to say something about another student harassing me as a teenager, and many other children have also had difficult experiences that they didn't have to go through if their parents did teach them hard things.  And by the way, both of these books I mentioned in this post are great resources to teach from.